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Wednesday, December 28, 2011

Do I have it in me?

Tiff and Shanna said I could go spend Christmas w/Kayden and Harley, but I didn't know until I got there that it meant go to Shanna's and they would bring girls to me. Anyway, I got to see them all Sun. nite and Mon. morning.

Kayden is content.
Harley only wants ONE thing. me.

Her words over and over to me the entire time I was with them.
"I'm going home with you?"
"I'll be good."
"I'll pick up my toys."
"I have my coat."
"PLEASE let me stay with you.. please?"
(shaking and crying)

A fine Christmas.
I'm crushed
OK. Today is Wednesday December 28, 2011. I meet with my Lawyer at 9:30am to discuss my options to protect girls from I now believe was the wrong decision to leave them with the paternal Grand parents and the too convenient locality to the father of the girls for what he has done since being released from jail so long ago. I felt angry and betrayed when the paternal grand father promised me he would not drink or be drinking when he picked them up from here last Tuesday, he was drinking hard liquor on the way. I should have been strong and just said NO then.

Since it is a TEMPORARY relocation for the girls and he said I was welcome to see the girls I believed we had reached an adult agreement about the girls, evidently not. When Tiffany asked me to go with her to see them on Christmas day I was NOT allowed to go to the paternal grandfather's house, instead I had to wait for the girls to come to my step-daughter Shanna's house.

The father did his typical move and was well on his way to getting drunk. After an hour or so into the visit Michael, the father, passed out in front of the girls and all the grand children.

Tuesday I met for an hour and a half with my therapist who helped me understand that I had paid enough of a price helping raise terry's children and grand children and it was now time to count the cost it has been for me. Was the return on my investment in time, money and love being returned in the same measure? I've thought about it since that time.

Today I meet with my Lawyer to figure out how to help Tiffany and exit this most costly game I've played for the last 13 years. The final question I had to ask myself before formulating my questions last night was could or should I do more or is this just the end of a happy exciting past that has spiraled into one of the saddest chapters of my life.

Saturday, December 24, 2011

Love, Emotions and Logic collide.

Today feels like a week!

I have loved you Terry since the beginning, I have accepted you and your children unconditionally. I believe I was faithful in my duties until the end. But Love and Emotions have brought me back to Logic.

I am not sure where you are at this moment Terry, as in all of the previous times I will be notified in due time if you are at the State Mental Hospital. This time it is all different though, Love and Emotions have had to take 2nd seat to Logic. When I met you so many years ago, you were a happy go-lucky person who pulled me right in.

These last 13 years have seen us through so many personal and family battles, that I believe what we had together was stolen from us, stomped into the ground of life issues we faced together.

Now we face the final challenge. How to let go of each other without destroying the seeds of Love we sowed together. The increased aggressiveness which has turned into violent behavior has nullified Love and Emotions in favor of Logic.

I am choosing Logic my love, I must go and build a future from here.