Hi Everyone!
I have had so much happen to me in the last 4 weeks my mind is reeling!
My biological family has rejected me.
My 2nd family accepted me and for the last 14 years I have been the father/mother figure in all their teenage lives and their children, my grandchildren. "Step-, ect.. is not how I see myself". No Way! I take ownership and responsibility of each of their lives!
Including the loss of our 2 precious grandchildren, Kayden and Harley, in a very hot custody hearing with the paternal grandfather. The help we have given, that the paternal grandfather never has since I arrived and obviously never did for them in their preteen years. We have given the kids help whenever needed to encourage them to make themselves better persons than what their father is right now, an alcoholic and drug user. Most recently the last 2 weeks I have all 3 wanting to get their lives moving in the right direction, at the same time. I have been waiting for this for 10 years and of course I am here for them. In doing so, their father immediately declared we were all in 'collusion' against him and 'barred' all of us access to Kayden and Harley (my 2 grandchildren mentioned above)? He said to his daughter "He wanted nothing to do with any of us anymore"?!
I am appalled and sad that a man can be this way to the father and aunts of Kayden and Harley, let alone originally blocking the maternal grandmother and myself after my wife and I have sacrificed so much to do the things he never has.
These tensions, stresses and emotions sent me into a deep resolve to understand 'who' I am and what 'role' am I playing in this family.
I am 59 years old and knew I was different from the other boys at 5 years old, then again things confirmed an even greater belief that I was not supposed to be a male at all during 10 years old and 16 years of age. I hid this feeling of dread and disappointment throughout my adult life doing what I was forced to do, build a career and good life for my 1st wife and our 2 lovely children. When that marriage collapsed in 1998 I met a girl that was vibrant and I could share my true feelings with. But as many of us know sharing your most intimate secrets is hard task and it sent me to seek Therapy so I could find myself in 2001. In the next 7 years I struggled with Therapists whom I considered unable to carry on an intelligent conversation, clinical Therapy was not what I needed. In 2008, maybe a stroke of luck, but they hired a Therapist with a Degree in Behavioral science specializing in GLBT or Gender-Id disorder ( I hate that word disorder). From the moment she met me she recognized that I was truly Transgender and for the next 3 years she worked tirelessly to help me understand who I was and why, she never sugar coated any of my struggles in my life and kept me moving forward to accept myself. I had found my intellectual equal and she moved me rapidly towards HRT and beyond. I owe her a lifetime of gratitude!
As I said previously, I truly have struggled with the question of 'Who I am totally' This last 2 weeks of seeing the kids rise up and ask me for help and my complete thoughts of all my most intimate feelings came out to my new Therapist when she asked me 1 question. My life has been ruled by my desire and love for the next generation and I said I cannot move from that belief, even given the toughest task I have had for the last 14 years. Her question caught me off guard, "Have you ever wished you could have birthed a child of your own.", wow! My answer and all the feelings of disappointment came streaming out with my tears.
The answer was and is a resounding YES! I am a total woman inside living without the satisfaction of being in the correct body!
My name is Renae Michele McKinney and I now know who I really am and the roles I have played as a mother and grandmother! Life is so clear to me now and I can move forward knowing I found my true self.
Thursday, August 30, 2012
Friday, August 24, 2012
I've decided to change the name of my blog to Journey to Womanhood because my Journey actually was not official until October, 2008 when I announced to my second wife my feelings and beliefs. Thank God she was confused but supportive for a short time, but soon she was choosing my makeup and accessories.
I spent 7 years in Therapy trying to discover myself again after allowing my wife's ex-husband back into our lives which was the worst mistake I could have made for all of us. He is a confirmed Alcoholic and almost immediately I saw a change in my wife, but she would not speak to me about the details of her time with him and for years I watched her become more and more distressed and then collapse in a dramatic drop into a Mental Hospital, diagnosed with Schizophrenia which over the next 7 years turned into Paranoia. I managed through all of this raising her teenage children who had been Damaged by his cruelty which has taken it's toll on me personally.
October turned into a pretty significant time in my life as well. We decided to be Permanent Custodians for two of our grandchildren because bot parents were caught with Cocaine and had to serve prison sentences and the requirement was to 'give up' their parental rights to both Harley Ann (8 mos) and Kayden Faith (3). But it turned into a blessing for me, I have always felt I was mother not father.
On November 8, 2008 we had passed all the Sate Requirements and went to the Foster Parent's house to bring them home. Kayden immediately was ready and waiting and then I saw Harley and she captured my heart like I hadn't felt in years raising my Boy (Now Battalion Commander of Intelligence in Afghanistan and my Girl (Now holds a PHD in Sociology and is a Professor at Missouri University) Balancing a Career in Data Processing and raising them to think and reason through difficult situations taught them the discipline to never quit.
I only mention my children to show that my mission and feelings have always been about making the next generation stronger in as many areas that I could use my knowledge, experience and keeping focused. I was Youth Minister, and started the original ISC (Independence, KS age 4 -17 soccer club).
Back to my story Kayden and Harley were our most Joyous moments in our marriage for 3 1/2 years, but because Terry had been Abused Psychologically, Mentally and Physically by her ex-husband she developed Paranoid Schizophrenia and with having to watch her, raise Kayden and Harley and deal with her children to help them during difficult moments, was simply too much for me alone.
I'm Transitioning all this time and was finally very happy and relieved that I had found a Therapist that Specialized with a Doctorate Degree in Behavior Analysis with a high intelligent quota like mine. The minute I walked into her office her first response was you have the manners of a true woman, I suspect you are Transgender. That remark launched a three and a half truly remarkable exchange of my past experiences of struggles representing myself in outward appearance which did not match my mindset. We shared mine and her experiences in the female role. She was surprised to find that I understood all that she said. She was and still is my best friend.
I chose to not reveal my Transition for nearly two years with my Biological family which I rarely saw due to their individual locations and duties. But in 2010, my daughter, husband and two grandchildren. I guess it was my fault for not being honest with them earlier, but I simply was not ready. Almost two months later my older sister passed away and I was informed to show up as a male because it would be such a shock to the entire family. I couldn't do it, one I owned no such attire and it wasn't me anymore. This resulted in my utter and complete rejection of all my family, sure it hurt but this was their decision and I chalked it up to the inability for them to research and talk about my feelings I had suffered for 50 years. to this day I have not received as much as a hello.
I was accepted in my small community, I went everywhere in public at all times and found that even in a very small town where you have been known and respected because of your past experiences within the community as a male figure in all my activities was a pleasant experience.
Then in March, 2011 my wife fell into a state of delusion due to our inability to afford the medicine that had worked so well due to the increased cost to $550/mo. It was sad for me to watch her go from the vivacious woman I had met in 1996 and eventually left my first marriage and join her family. I tried to reach out to the manufacture of the medicine for assistants, but it took so long for approval and the substitutions weren't working effectively she had to again go to the Mental Hospital where they gave her the proper medicine but failed to reach her in a group environment. When she returned we battled the ongoing decline until in December, 2011 she became delusional and attacked me not recognizing me and called her daughter which started and avalanche of things involving our two girls with her ex-husband. She called him wanting to talk to the girls because the proper medicine was again introduced and I had just been approved for the Provider to approve assistance. She had a complete breakdown which was what I personally needed, but sadly it came to late and her ex-husband filed for custodianship of both the girls. For 7 months we were not in anyway allowed access to the girls and at this writing have still been banned. In court we lost them to her condition and my Transgender Status.
For all I have been involved in throughout my Transition this was the biggest and saddest blow to me. To have an Alcoholic and his Lawyers twist, constantly reschedule the hearing was frustrating and ended up in what I call a railroad hearing. This has made me the saddest woman on earth to lose your children you have raised for 3 1/2 years and truly expected to raise them to the same level of success I had accomplished with my own children in my first marriage.
I spent 7 years in Therapy trying to discover myself again after allowing my wife's ex-husband back into our lives which was the worst mistake I could have made for all of us. He is a confirmed Alcoholic and almost immediately I saw a change in my wife, but she would not speak to me about the details of her time with him and for years I watched her become more and more distressed and then collapse in a dramatic drop into a Mental Hospital, diagnosed with Schizophrenia which over the next 7 years turned into Paranoia. I managed through all of this raising her teenage children who had been Damaged by his cruelty which has taken it's toll on me personally.
October turned into a pretty significant time in my life as well. We decided to be Permanent Custodians for two of our grandchildren because bot parents were caught with Cocaine and had to serve prison sentences and the requirement was to 'give up' their parental rights to both Harley Ann (8 mos) and Kayden Faith (3). But it turned into a blessing for me, I have always felt I was mother not father.
On November 8, 2008 we had passed all the Sate Requirements and went to the Foster Parent's house to bring them home. Kayden immediately was ready and waiting and then I saw Harley and she captured my heart like I hadn't felt in years raising my Boy (Now Battalion Commander of Intelligence in Afghanistan and my Girl (Now holds a PHD in Sociology and is a Professor at Missouri University) Balancing a Career in Data Processing and raising them to think and reason through difficult situations taught them the discipline to never quit.
I only mention my children to show that my mission and feelings have always been about making the next generation stronger in as many areas that I could use my knowledge, experience and keeping focused. I was Youth Minister, and started the original ISC (Independence, KS age 4 -17 soccer club).
Back to my story Kayden and Harley were our most Joyous moments in our marriage for 3 1/2 years, but because Terry had been Abused Psychologically, Mentally and Physically by her ex-husband she developed Paranoid Schizophrenia and with having to watch her, raise Kayden and Harley and deal with her children to help them during difficult moments, was simply too much for me alone.
I'm Transitioning all this time and was finally very happy and relieved that I had found a Therapist that Specialized with a Doctorate Degree in Behavior Analysis with a high intelligent quota like mine. The minute I walked into her office her first response was you have the manners of a true woman, I suspect you are Transgender. That remark launched a three and a half truly remarkable exchange of my past experiences of struggles representing myself in outward appearance which did not match my mindset. We shared mine and her experiences in the female role. She was surprised to find that I understood all that she said. She was and still is my best friend.
I chose to not reveal my Transition for nearly two years with my Biological family which I rarely saw due to their individual locations and duties. But in 2010, my daughter, husband and two grandchildren. I guess it was my fault for not being honest with them earlier, but I simply was not ready. Almost two months later my older sister passed away and I was informed to show up as a male because it would be such a shock to the entire family. I couldn't do it, one I owned no such attire and it wasn't me anymore. This resulted in my utter and complete rejection of all my family, sure it hurt but this was their decision and I chalked it up to the inability for them to research and talk about my feelings I had suffered for 50 years. to this day I have not received as much as a hello.
I was accepted in my small community, I went everywhere in public at all times and found that even in a very small town where you have been known and respected because of your past experiences within the community as a male figure in all my activities was a pleasant experience.
Then in March, 2011 my wife fell into a state of delusion due to our inability to afford the medicine that had worked so well due to the increased cost to $550/mo. It was sad for me to watch her go from the vivacious woman I had met in 1996 and eventually left my first marriage and join her family. I tried to reach out to the manufacture of the medicine for assistants, but it took so long for approval and the substitutions weren't working effectively she had to again go to the Mental Hospital where they gave her the proper medicine but failed to reach her in a group environment. When she returned we battled the ongoing decline until in December, 2011 she became delusional and attacked me not recognizing me and called her daughter which started and avalanche of things involving our two girls with her ex-husband. She called him wanting to talk to the girls because the proper medicine was again introduced and I had just been approved for the Provider to approve assistance. She had a complete breakdown which was what I personally needed, but sadly it came to late and her ex-husband filed for custodianship of both the girls. For 7 months we were not in anyway allowed access to the girls and at this writing have still been banned. In court we lost them to her condition and my Transgender Status.
For all I have been involved in throughout my Transition this was the biggest and saddest blow to me. To have an Alcoholic and his Lawyers twist, constantly reschedule the hearing was frustrating and ended up in what I call a railroad hearing. This has made me the saddest woman on earth to lose your children you have raised for 3 1/2 years and truly expected to raise them to the same level of success I had accomplished with my own children in my first marriage.
Wednesday, August 22, 2012
My trials during the first 4 1/2 years in Transition.
In the next few days I am going to share with you my Journey to Womanhood since I made my decision to admit who I was inside to the Public.
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