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Saturday, May 10, 2014

I think it is time to completely let my fears of letting those who know me in my life, but may not know 'me' now because I did what I needed to do for my own sanity and well being, I came face to face with all that I've denied, hidden and even hurt those that I love.

None of us have the luxury of choosing who, how or where we were born, least of all the environment and upbringing we receive. It is my belief that dependent upon these two factors our 'life's perspective of reality' and now after 59 years I see myself for who I am. 

The truth is I was born into a body I despised and by the age of 9 I had placed a mask on for all others to see while I curiously used my other mask privately. I was born in 1953 so of course there was NO way that my private mask could EVER be seen by others. I allowed only a glimpse using my clothing in a more effeminate way than the other boys..

Who I am

I am who I am, but not who you see.
I wear a mask and clothing for you to see because I do not know if you could ever understand who I really am.

I have spent nearly my entire life driven to succeed in all that I started and to some that know me I did succeed, but to me I failed to complete the things I wanted and needed to satisfy my own desires. I made a lot of mistakes along the way because I did not want anyone to see beyond what I wanted them to see, but always my intention was to learn, achieve and help others along the way.

I was bright in school, even some called me an over-achiever. I had dreams, big dreams that were always driving me forward to work harder than those around me. Even so, who I wanted you to see and who I was inside constantly kept me confused and disoriented in life. I could never, it seemed, find the right balance between the two of me.

I am kind and have a huge heart for others, continually sharing what I myself earned or learned along the way. I have shared so much of me in my life that I left little for myself now.

I made a lot of money, not nearly what I wanted. I maintained a professional life that kept me rising quickly through my career, but in the end the two of me could never find the right happiness to be fulfilled, so now I am angry and alone, unable to be the inner me that defined my thinking for who I let you see.

My Addictions

Dear friends,

I met you a very long time ago and we both know we thought we enjoyed  each others company. We laughed together we did things we probably would not have done if we had never met. Each time we were together it was to relax and enjoy life around us, but recently I discovered that you were not the friends I thought you were. You have been taking things from me that I wanted to keep and now I have to tell you of my disappointment in our friendship.

You said you would never harm me in any way that you would always be there for me. But I realized recently that you were not really there for me at all. I lost important things to me because we wanted to relax and have fun together, things I cannot have back. Some of these things I could have replaced if I had seen your real need for our friendship, some I can never have back. I want you to know these things because I have to end our friendship now. Your selfishness and one-sided desire to have me in your life has hurt me in so many ways I cannot begin to express my disappointment.

Don't try to contact me again.


Michael (ex-friend)