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Wednesday, December 28, 2011

Do I have it in me?

Tiff and Shanna said I could go spend Christmas w/Kayden and Harley, but I didn't know until I got there that it meant go to Shanna's and they would bring girls to me. Anyway, I got to see them all Sun. nite and Mon. morning.

Kayden is content.
Harley only wants ONE thing. me.

Her words over and over to me the entire time I was with them.
"I'm going home with you?"
"I'll be good."
"I'll pick up my toys."
"I have my coat."
"PLEASE let me stay with you.. please?"
(shaking and crying)

A fine Christmas.
I'm crushed
OK. Today is Wednesday December 28, 2011. I meet with my Lawyer at 9:30am to discuss my options to protect girls from I now believe was the wrong decision to leave them with the paternal Grand parents and the too convenient locality to the father of the girls for what he has done since being released from jail so long ago. I felt angry and betrayed when the paternal grand father promised me he would not drink or be drinking when he picked them up from here last Tuesday, he was drinking hard liquor on the way. I should have been strong and just said NO then.

Since it is a TEMPORARY relocation for the girls and he said I was welcome to see the girls I believed we had reached an adult agreement about the girls, evidently not. When Tiffany asked me to go with her to see them on Christmas day I was NOT allowed to go to the paternal grandfather's house, instead I had to wait for the girls to come to my step-daughter Shanna's house.

The father did his typical move and was well on his way to getting drunk. After an hour or so into the visit Michael, the father, passed out in front of the girls and all the grand children.

Tuesday I met for an hour and a half with my therapist who helped me understand that I had paid enough of a price helping raise terry's children and grand children and it was now time to count the cost it has been for me. Was the return on my investment in time, money and love being returned in the same measure? I've thought about it since that time.

Today I meet with my Lawyer to figure out how to help Tiffany and exit this most costly game I've played for the last 13 years. The final question I had to ask myself before formulating my questions last night was could or should I do more or is this just the end of a happy exciting past that has spiraled into one of the saddest chapters of my life.

Saturday, December 24, 2011

Love, Emotions and Logic collide.

Today feels like a week!

I have loved you Terry since the beginning, I have accepted you and your children unconditionally. I believe I was faithful in my duties until the end. But Love and Emotions have brought me back to Logic.

I am not sure where you are at this moment Terry, as in all of the previous times I will be notified in due time if you are at the State Mental Hospital. This time it is all different though, Love and Emotions have had to take 2nd seat to Logic. When I met you so many years ago, you were a happy go-lucky person who pulled me right in.

These last 13 years have seen us through so many personal and family battles, that I believe what we had together was stolen from us, stomped into the ground of life issues we faced together.

Now we face the final challenge. How to let go of each other without destroying the seeds of Love we sowed together. The increased aggressiveness which has turned into violent behavior has nullified Love and Emotions in favor of Logic.

I am choosing Logic my love, I must go and build a future from here.

Friday, October 14, 2011

Looking beyond ourselves

"The needs of the many outweigh the needs of the few, or the one."

In our society and our world's society, selfless acts are dwindling and if we are not careful will soon be gone forever from our society. Me first rules. So that no single individual will be offended in our world's society, we will offend the entire strata of society in the entire world.

Each of us needs to look beyond ourselves and our moments on this world, begin to see the life blood which will flow from every action and decision you make for our children and their children's children.

Wednesday, August 3, 2011

I doth protest!

I protest very little in my relationships, but tonight 'I doth protest'. You see I have been placed in an impossible situation here at home. Let me explain.

My wife has been through hell since she was twelve years old. Now at age fifty she had expected a completely different outcome. A life with a man who provided 'everything' for her, free of children, just her and that man traveling the country. 

What does she have?

A fifty eight year old Transsexual Female and two of her grand children, ages six and 3 years old, in our permanent custody. 

Tomorrow I begin the process of having her committed to a mental hospital leaving me as only permanent custody of these two girls I have grown to love over the last three years living as a full time woman. A proxy mom, papa, both accepted openly. Now I have a huge decision to make.

A fifty eight year old Transsexual Female and two step grand children, ages six and 3 years old, become a permanent family?


Where will I find someone I know that will provide their needs until they can 'fly by themselves'?


If I can't find someone?

Thursday, July 28, 2011

A letter to my wife.

This is a letter to my wife, friend, lover and now as her Female partner.

We have been together since 1998 and have just enjoyed our 1st thirteen years together. Our pasts have been filled with nightmares and running from ourselves for so many years now. 

Yes it's true, we are both Bi-Polar and Schizophrenic. For the last three years, no make that eight years, you have had to deal with my illness and continued therapy and medication. We've learned there is no miracle cure for Schizophrenia, we can only learn to find the control within us. 

I have been at this recovery and discovery and truly found who I was and am now for eight or more years. At the very beginning of that journey we had to make a choice about two of our grand children's well being. We had to consider a lot in a very short time and spent thousands of dollars and inspections before, nine months later, we were given 'Court Ordered Permanent Custody'. This was a fresh start for me, one that I was willing to take on despite my age. Now after three years I feel in an impossible situation concerning our discussion today. 

My whole life has been one domino after another, my walls kept getting weaker and I found you.I love you.

Give me some time I beg you.


Change our children and we change the future

My promise to my kids. I am not your friend. I am your parent. I will stalk you, flip out on you, lecture you, drive you insane, be your worst nightmare & hunt you down like a bloodhound when needed because I LOVE YOU! When you understand that, I will know you are a responsible adult. You will NEVER find someone who loves, cares and worries about you more than I do! Re-post if you are a parent and agree

Sunday, May 15, 2011

Unconditional Love

Has this been a problem for anyone else other than me as it relates to 'all'?

Without conditions or limitations; absolute: demanded unconditional surrender.

A deep, tender, ineffable feeling of affection and solicitude toward a person
such as that arising from kinship, recognition of attractive qualities, or a
sense of underlying oneness.


For the whole law is fulfilled in one word, "You shall love your
neighbor as yourself." (Galatians 5:14 RSV)

And who is your neighbor? Everyone is your neighbor. This is shown in the Parable Of The Good Samaritan (Luke 10:25-37, shown below). Therefore, "Love your neighbor as yourself" really means "Love all people as yourself," because everyone is our neighbor.

And given this is 'The golden rule' a standard I held my self high upon. I denied my true self from finding happiness. Let me explain.

I first discovered I was transsexual when I was 10 years old when I had a one time sexual experience with a dominate twelve year old friend.

The year was 1960, historically that knowledge had to be stored and denied, period.

I explained it in that tone to again tell you I held myself to that higher standard of 'The golden rule' to the extreme all the time wanting the return of that same standard from others.

The year is 2011, even today the fear to live as the person you truly are is stored and denied by many.

I have seen many great programs that have helped my confidence that the day is coming when gender-dysphoria is accepted fully and we can all live a happy and productive life.

As for the statement 'as it relates to 'all'.', we still have so far to go. But I for one will stand before you and say 'I will live my life by a higher standard, as I always have tried, but now I will live that life as the female I was meant to be back in 1953.

For three years now I have lived openly as a female, am currently taking my hormones daily as prescribed. And raising two girl grand children as a 'poppy' and am enjoying every minute of life.

But when will the rest of the world understand that the only path to true happiness and peace for this world IS 'Unconditional Love'.

Sunday, May 8, 2011

8 weeks of Hell

The last 8 weeks have been a complete hell for me, a Transsexual Female for 3 years, as a mommy (grandpa) to two girls and being the husband to a loving wife who had a severe mental collapse. Ambulance had to take her to the emergency room at the local hospital with my 2 girls we have custody when she raised a huge ruckus in church 8 weeks ago now.

So many delusional thoughts and allegations flew from her mouth I had to have the house inspected by the Police and the State Child Placement lady. Thank goodness not one of them had any issues with my Transgender appearance, so they said I should take the girls home while they got my wife some help. The girls clung to me the entire time scared that they would be placed in foster care 'again' in their short years here on earth.

For the last 3 years I have had them in my life I have been open to the entire community. I have cared for the youngest, 3 years old, since she was just a baby. I am who she trusts for everything.

What happens when after 30 days in a State Mental Hospital and when she returns, she remains delusional for the next 4 weeks off and on? Moment by moment you walk along watching, listening for signs what is happening in her mind while I care for 2 girls, 3 and 5 years old.

This was moment for me to be 'a strong woman' who protected her innocents from all harm. During her stay I was threatened twice by her ex-husband that my Transgender status was inappropriate raising his grand children. This man found out how mean a mom can get when her cubs safety are threatened. Short version; he isn't going to do it again.

To date since she has returned; she has asked me to leave 3 times, one 'I don't love you anymore now that you have chosen to become female' each time I refused, plus disappeared with the girls sparking me to alert the local police who set in motion a Statewide search. All ended well when her daughter brought her and the girls home 12 hours later.

Why do I stay? Because I started out loving this woman in 1996, moved in with her in 1998 and now have 2 girls I love more than my life literally. My heart would have been broken. That was in the last 3 weeks. Yesterday she announced I could stay, she loved me and we would talk about the future later.

Here is how I feel right now. Numb.