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Saturday, May 10, 2014

I think it is time to completely let my fears of letting those who know me in my life, but may not know 'me' now because I did what I needed to do for my own sanity and well being, I came face to face with all that I've denied, hidden and even hurt those that I love.

None of us have the luxury of choosing who, how or where we were born, least of all the environment and upbringing we receive. It is my belief that dependent upon these two factors our 'life's perspective of reality' and now after 59 years I see myself for who I am. 

The truth is I was born into a body I despised and by the age of 9 I had placed a mask on for all others to see while I curiously used my other mask privately. I was born in 1953 so of course there was NO way that my private mask could EVER be seen by others. I allowed only a glimpse using my clothing in a more effeminate way than the other boys..

Who I am

I am who I am, but not who you see.
I wear a mask and clothing for you to see because I do not know if you could ever understand who I really am.

I have spent nearly my entire life driven to succeed in all that I started and to some that know me I did succeed, but to me I failed to complete the things I wanted and needed to satisfy my own desires. I made a lot of mistakes along the way because I did not want anyone to see beyond what I wanted them to see, but always my intention was to learn, achieve and help others along the way.

I was bright in school, even some called me an over-achiever. I had dreams, big dreams that were always driving me forward to work harder than those around me. Even so, who I wanted you to see and who I was inside constantly kept me confused and disoriented in life. I could never, it seemed, find the right balance between the two of me.

I am kind and have a huge heart for others, continually sharing what I myself earned or learned along the way. I have shared so much of me in my life that I left little for myself now.

I made a lot of money, not nearly what I wanted. I maintained a professional life that kept me rising quickly through my career, but in the end the two of me could never find the right happiness to be fulfilled, so now I am angry and alone, unable to be the inner me that defined my thinking for who I let you see.

My Addictions

Dear friends,

I met you a very long time ago and we both know we thought we enjoyed  each others company. We laughed together we did things we probably would not have done if we had never met. Each time we were together it was to relax and enjoy life around us, but recently I discovered that you were not the friends I thought you were. You have been taking things from me that I wanted to keep and now I have to tell you of my disappointment in our friendship.

You said you would never harm me in any way that you would always be there for me. But I realized recently that you were not really there for me at all. I lost important things to me because we wanted to relax and have fun together, things I cannot have back. Some of these things I could have replaced if I had seen your real need for our friendship, some I can never have back. I want you to know these things because I have to end our friendship now. Your selfishness and one-sided desire to have me in your life has hurt me in so many ways I cannot begin to express my disappointment.

Don't try to contact me again.


Michael (ex-friend)

Tuesday, December 25, 2012

Schizophrenic and Transsexual in the same lifetime.

In this blog I hope to shed some light on being Schizophrenic and Transsexual at the same time. These are issues I have had to deal with for most of my life. As I've said before I decided about six years ago to make my life and thoughts an open book, not only for Therapeutic value for me but perhaps for others too. I hope you enjoy reading this as much as it gives me pleasure to write. I'd love to see some comments from those of you who take the time to read my Life's experience and thoughts.

Peace and Love to all mankind. 'Live to Love, Love to Live'.


Transsexual MTF

My first real memory of consciousness that I was different from other boys was when I was nine years old. This is when I had my first sexual act with another boy as I had developed a real interest in dressing, as often as I could, as a girl. It would not be until I was thirteen years old that I started showing the classic signs of Schizophrenia and another three years that I realized I truly wanted to be a girl in every way. Schizophrenia and Transsexualism became something to deny, those were the years between 1962 - 1969. Social culture was not anywhere it is today so I began living a dual life, one to be a boy in duties and actions and the other, wanting to be a girl hidden deeper inside. If you can imagine living in a dream interacting with another dream, that is where my thoughts were going. Of course there were interruptions in my purposeful life, like age fourteen when I had to get a part-time job to help with finances because my parents had divorced when I was twelve years old. My first job, my mother found it for me, was clearing land of unneeded trees and shrubs for a nine hole expansion on a local golf course. For weeks I came home with blistered and bloody hands. This wasn't supposed to be me!!

You, hopefully will understand by age 14 and 15 I was really getting confused.

In my next blog I will get more detailed form age 15 to now and how I see myself and have matured with that knowledge now firmly planted, believed and accepted.

Renae Michele


Thursday, August 30, 2012

My Breakthrough!

Hi Everyone!

I have had so much happen to me in the last 4 weeks my mind is reeling!

My biological family has rejected me.
My 2nd family accepted me and for the last 14 years I have been the father/mother figure in all their teenage lives and their children, my grandchildren. "Step-, ect.. is not how I see myself". No Way! I take ownership and responsibility of each of their lives!

Including the loss of our 2 precious grandchildren, Kayden and Harley, in a very hot custody hearing with the paternal grandfather. The help we have given, that the paternal grandfather never has since I arrived and obviously never did for them in their preteen years. We have given the kids help whenever needed to encourage them to make themselves better persons than what their father is right now, an alcoholic and drug user. Most recently the last 2 weeks I have all 3 wanting to get their lives moving in the right direction, at the same time. I have been waiting for this for 10 years and of course I am here for them. In doing so, their father immediately declared we were all in 'collusion' against him and 'barred' all of us access to Kayden and Harley (my 2 grandchildren mentioned above)? He said to his daughter "He wanted nothing to do with any of us anymore"?!

I am appalled and sad that a man can be this way to the father and aunts of Kayden and Harley, let alone originally blocking the maternal grandmother and myself after my wife and I have sacrificed so much to do the things he never has.

These tensions, stresses and emotions sent me into a deep resolve to understand 'who' I am and what 'role' am I playing in this family.

I am 59 years old and knew I was different from the other boys at 5 years old, then again things confirmed an even greater belief that I was not supposed to be a male at all during 10 years old and 16 years of age. I hid this feeling of dread and disappointment throughout my adult life doing what I was forced to do, build a career and good life for my 1st wife and our 2 lovely children. When that marriage collapsed in 1998 I met a girl that was vibrant and I could share my true feelings with. But as many of us know sharing your most intimate secrets is hard task and it sent me to seek Therapy so I could find myself in 2001. In the next 7 years I struggled with Therapists whom I considered unable to carry on an intelligent conversation, clinical Therapy was not what I needed. In 2008, maybe a stroke of luck, but they hired a Therapist with a Degree in Behavioral science specializing in GLBT or Gender-Id disorder ( I hate that word disorder). From the moment she met me she recognized that I was truly Transgender and for the next 3 years she worked tirelessly to help me understand who I was and why, she never sugar coated any of my struggles in my life and kept me moving forward to accept myself. I had found my intellectual equal and she moved me rapidly towards HRT and beyond. I owe her a lifetime of gratitude!

As I said previously, I truly have struggled with the question of 'Who I am totally' This last 2 weeks of seeing the kids rise up and ask me for help and my complete thoughts of all my most intimate feelings came out to my new Therapist when she asked me 1 question. My life has been ruled by my desire and love for the next generation and I said I cannot move from that belief, even given the toughest task I have had for the last 14 years. Her question caught me off guard, "Have you ever wished you could have birthed a child of your own.", wow! My answer and all the feelings of disappointment came streaming out with my tears.

The answer was and is a resounding YES! I am a total woman inside living without the satisfaction of being in the correct body!

My name is Renae Michele McKinney and I now know who I really am and the roles I have played as a mother and grandmother! Life is so clear to me now and I can move forward knowing I found my true self.

Friday, August 24, 2012

I've decided to change the name of my blog to Journey to Womanhood because my Journey actually was not official until October, 2008 when I announced to my second wife my feelings and beliefs. Thank God she was confused but supportive for a short time, but soon she was choosing my makeup and accessories.

I spent 7 years in Therapy trying to discover myself again after allowing my wife's ex-husband back into our lives which was the worst mistake I could have made for all of us. He is a confirmed Alcoholic and almost immediately I saw a change in my wife, but she would not speak to me about the details of her time with him and for years I watched her become more and more distressed and then collapse in a dramatic drop into a Mental Hospital, diagnosed with Schizophrenia which over the next 7 years turned into Paranoia. I managed through all of this raising her teenage children who had been Damaged by his cruelty which has taken it's toll on me personally.

October turned into a pretty significant time in my life as well. We decided to be Permanent Custodians for two of our grandchildren because bot parents were caught with Cocaine and had to serve prison sentences and the requirement was to 'give up' their parental rights to both Harley Ann (8 mos) and Kayden Faith (3). But it turned into a blessing for me, I have always felt I was mother not father. 

On November 8, 2008 we had passed all the Sate Requirements and went to the Foster Parent's house to bring them home. Kayden immediately was ready and waiting and then I saw Harley and she captured my heart like I hadn't felt in years raising my Boy (Now Battalion Commander of Intelligence in Afghanistan and my Girl (Now holds a PHD in Sociology and is a Professor at Missouri University) Balancing a Career in Data Processing and raising them to think and reason through difficult situations taught them the discipline to never quit.

I only mention my children to show that my mission and feelings have always been about making the next generation stronger in as many areas that I could use my knowledge, experience and keeping focused. I was Youth Minister, and started the original ISC (Independence, KS age 4 -17 soccer club).

Back to my story Kayden and Harley were our most Joyous moments in our marriage for 3 1/2 years, but because Terry had been Abused Psychologically, Mentally and Physically by her ex-husband she developed Paranoid Schizophrenia and with having to watch her, raise Kayden and Harley and deal with her children to help them during difficult moments, was simply too much for me alone.

I'm Transitioning all this time and was finally very happy and relieved that I had found a Therapist that Specialized with a Doctorate Degree in Behavior Analysis with a high intelligent quota like mine. The minute I walked into her office her first response was you have the manners of a true woman, I suspect you are Transgender. That remark launched a three and a half truly remarkable exchange of my past experiences of struggles representing myself in outward appearance which did not match my mindset. We shared mine and her experiences in the female role. She was surprised to find that I understood all that she said. She was and still is my best friend.

I chose to not reveal my Transition for nearly two years with my Biological family which I rarely saw due to their individual locations and duties. But in 2010, my daughter, husband and two grandchildren. I guess it was my fault for not being honest with them earlier, but I simply was not ready. Almost two months later my older sister passed away and I was informed to show up as a male because it would be such a shock to the entire family. I couldn't do it, one I owned no such attire and it wasn't me anymore. This resulted in my utter and complete rejection of all my family, sure it hurt but this was their decision and I chalked it up to the inability for them to research and talk about my feelings I had suffered  for 50 years. to this day I have not received as much as a hello.

I was accepted in my small community, I went everywhere in public at all times and found that even in a very small town where you have been known and respected because of your past experiences within the community as a male figure in all my activities was a pleasant experience.

Then in March, 2011 my wife fell into a state of delusion due to our inability to afford the medicine that had worked so well due to the increased cost to $550/mo. It was sad for me to watch her go from the vivacious woman I had met in 1996 and eventually left my first marriage and join her family. I tried to reach out to the manufacture of the medicine for assistants, but it took so long for approval and the substitutions weren't working effectively she had to again go to the Mental Hospital where they gave her the proper medicine but failed to reach her in a group environment. When she returned we battled the ongoing decline until in December, 2011 she became delusional and attacked me not recognizing me and called her daughter which started and avalanche of things involving our two girls with her ex-husband. She called him wanting to talk to the girls because the proper medicine was again introduced and I had just been approved for the Provider to approve assistance. She had a complete breakdown which was what I personally needed, but sadly it came to late and her ex-husband filed for custodianship of both the girls. For 7 months we were not in anyway allowed access to the girls and at this writing have still been banned. In court we lost them to her condition and my Transgender Status.

For all I have been involved in throughout my Transition this was the biggest and saddest blow to me. To have an Alcoholic and his Lawyers twist, constantly reschedule the hearing was frustrating and ended up in what I call a railroad hearing. This has made me the saddest woman on earth to lose your children you have raised for 3 1/2 years and truly expected to raise them to the same level of success I had accomplished with my own children in my first marriage.

Wednesday, August 22, 2012

My trials during the first 4 1/2 years in Transition.

In the next few days I am going to share with you my Journey to Womanhood since I made my decision to admit who I was inside to the Public.

It has not been an easy Journey for me as my writing will reveal.  Many things changed in a flash after remaining hidden for fifty years.

Monday, May 28, 2012

Facing Life's Challenges with the next generation

What does it take in parenting the next generation to recognize and meet Life's challenges today? I've had to recognize recently that in order to be ready to guide and counsel the next generation to success takes a strong character set. This applies to single or married parenthood. I'm very proud of my two children I raised in my first marriage, a boy and girl, they took what I said and taught to heart and ran with it and both have succeeded in their respective lives. Then life changed for me, I divorced and found love again with a woman that had teenage children. The problem was as I look back over the past thirteen years they never had the same parenting I had provided for my children and in the first few years did not want me to change or alter what they were doing, in and out of school. I was confident that I could eventually break through and show them what they needed to do to make the right adjustments in thought and deed to be successful. But I was wrong in one thing, I could not make them change that was their decision to make and I would not succeed with just showing love, counsel and words of guidance no matter how hard I tried.

What I have done in the past few years is watch these kids make the wrong choices and spin in and out of control only seeing brief changes which I encouraged them to continue. I began to feel like a failure and despondent, but I realized after some reasoning and research that it wasn't me who had failed, it was the fact they never had a strong father figure and the mother had spent the majority of her time working and providing life's essentials and having four children to raise all going different directions with different friends she got lost and out of touch with them. End of story.

You see the father was and still is an alcoholic and did not and still doesn't have the strong character to accept responsibility and be accountable for his constant abandonment of his family to focus on his own needs. 

Okay I have to say to single parents, balance is the key, whether you are a father or mother. Do not expect anyone else to build character in your children, except you, that is a mistake you cannot afford to make for them. The values needed are love, courage to do the hard things before you try to enjoy the results. You get what you focus on trust me, work ethics, focus, love, praise and guidance will give the needed results. I learned that early on in my life when my parents divorced and thank God my mother was of strong character, even though I strayed for a few years after parts of my dreams were dashed by a necessary move to another city. I fell and allowed myself to be tempted into drugs and alcohol which almost destroyed my future.

But when I reached the age of twenty and looked in the mirror and saw who I had become and life may just pass me by and I would never have what I desired as I had planned in High School. The things my mother taught me came back into focus and I became a success and raised my children with the same principles. Focused attention on goals, love, guidance, work ethics and praise with boundaries they had to stay within. Wow, it worked! My mother was right in teaching me those values and I passed them on to the next generation. I will not ever say it was easy for my mother and it, at times, was hard for me moving as fast as I could up and up in my chosen career in Data Processing.

More than anything when I was a Sophomore in High School I wanted to attend a University because learning and sports were an insatiable thing in my life, I just couldn't soak up enough, I was driven by my desire to make my mother proud of me. Alas we moved to the bigger city after that year and my focus an interest changed, the School was large and I no longer felt comfortable in the sports programs and I only need to finish my Junior year and I would graduate, I thought. Despite having two study halls that Junior year I was informed as the last semester was nearing the end I needed World History in that School District. Wow, you mean I had to attend my Senior year only to take one class?  Crash!!! The next three years I wasted in disappointment, rebellion and lost focus of what I wanted to achieve. But that was my decision, my responsibility and when I reached twenty years of age I had to be accountable because I was taught those values.

In a marriage it would make sense that this task would be easier, but that may not be true, we all are raised differently and may lack the knowledge of these basic values to teach. I believe it needs recognizing that these things are not taught in any school, it is learned behavior from a strong parent or resolve in your own experience to change yourself.

Now I am a grand parent facing those same challenges after being charged with raising another generation, two girls from one of those failures I believed I was responsible for and not that adult that brought the girls into the world. 

I said earlier I felt like a failure and despondent that I did not succeed with the teenagers I was left to raise. Now however, I am charged with teaching the values of love, guiding, counseling, teaching work ethics and praise to these girls to see them have the right tools to succeed in life.

If you know the road, navigating is easy if you keep everything centered! Never look back, but only at the challenges in the future and be willing to watch any changes in the road map as they grow, things change and a strong parent must be willing to deny personal needs for the needs of their children. That's right, you and only you are responsible for their direction and you must stay accountable for the distance they can go in their lives.

Wisdom comes with experience, keep learning as they grow and they will possess the right tools to pass on to the next generation!


Sunday, April 22, 2012

Lessons to learn? Continuing.

What's been happening to help me and mine get better?

This is where I stopped in my search for who, why and where I am in life. I remember all the TRAUMA I have suffered in my past, some of it horrifying and sickening, some my fault, some  imposed on me by others. It brought my attention back to a realization of HOW I moved forward in my personal growth and left those things behind me in my 20's. I decided to read a book called "The Road Less Traveled" by M. Scott Peck, M.D. It woke me up to what the next generation needed and not mine. My career began and vaulted me into a balanced life, giving of myself to work and especially at home. My focus and commitment to my family 1st and my career 2nd, not the least to say was hard but I desired and believed I could guide, teach, counsel and nurture my son and daughter. Everything in my past was there screaming at me every step of the way due to my childhood Schizophrenia my current classification is Schizoaffective disorder and Gender-id Disorder (Transgender). My Son is in Army Intelligence, currently serving in Afghanistan, battalion commander. My Daughter earned her PHD in Sociology through Scholarships and is currently a Professor in Sociology at Missouri University. I was once asked by my son-in-law how did I balance all of it and have such wonderful kids. My response was "I kept the car in the middle of the road.".

Now at age 59 I'm reexamining myself once again through reading the "The Road Less Traveled" by M. Scott Peck, M.D., you see I have been with second family for 13 years now and I inherited teenage children who had character disorders. The constant and lengthy abandonment events by their dad had abandonment issues and the fear of working their self-image higher by letting me help, but the damage was already done and I was ignored, even rejected but I love them all as if they were my own and will never leave them. My love is always here, but it comes at a cost. Each must examine their lives and ask the question can I change for my children.

 I found this Poem written by Kahlil Gibran ~~ Child Raising ~~

Love Is Separateness

Your children are not your children,

They are the sons and daughters of Life' longing for itself.
They come through you but not from you,
And though they are with you they belong not to you.

You may give your love but not your thoughts,

For they have their own thoughts.
You may hose house their but not their souls,For their souls dwell in the house of tomorrow, which you cannot visit, not even in your dreams.
You may strive to be like them, but seek not to make them like you.
For life goes not backward nor tarries with yesterday.
You are the bow from which your children as living arrows are sent forth.
The archer sees the mark upon the path of the infinite, and He bends you with His might that His arrows may go swift and far.
Let your bending in the archer's hand be for gladness;
For even as He loves the arrow that flies, so He loves also the bow that is stable.*

We Love you Kayden Faith!
We Love you Harley Ann!

Soon you will be home babies, soon.

Monday, March 5, 2012

Lessons to learn?

The last year has brought me more pain than the joy I tried to find.

Thirteen years have been put into our relationship. The years have been filled with happiness and pain as any probably all relationships experience when two families join together. Ours was not without many challenges, I was an outsider parent of three teenagers. I was met with passive resistance and rebellion as they moved in and out of friendships, relationships that kept them from growing into more mature adults.

The last three years I have had the privilege, honor and joy to raise two grand children without having the fetters of a working life outside of the home.

I met Harley and Kayden early in life, Kayden was almost three years old and Harley was just nine months old when we won their custody. What a joyous day that was for us and especially to me. I vowed to myself and them that I would not waiver in helping them grow to mature adults with a better chance in life than their parents or any of the other kids I inherited in this marriage. In face my thought was to stop the cycle of irresponsibility, caring and love for one another that creates a strong family bond.

That was three years ago in November.

Little did I know that my transition would be such a LARGE issue to the adults around me. Sure I knew there would be some resistance, unbelief, and at first all was well. The Children, being innocent, were never challenged, disappointed, unhappy or shocked. Rather a lesson to be learned is 'children are a blank slate', teach them the truth without adding bias, preconceived notions or expectations and they accept those facts easily. I found it easy to teach, love and guide them towards a better future until one day things simply 'blew all to hell' before my eyes.

Enter the adults, full of bias, preconceived notions and a definite lack of intelligence and understanding. I have spent my entire life fighting these kinds of people from influencing the next generation and felt confident I could protect these two girls from the 'same old story' that controls their relatives.

 Mental Illness and Denial have entered into this life's equation.

I have suffered from Schizophrenia nearly my entire life but never really understood why I did, saw and believed things differently from those around me. I fought my life's battles without the help of parents who could afford to give me a better chance at life. But it was not until I reached the age of 44 that I fell into another black hole of mental illness, I became Bi-Polar due to stress and the professional world I drove myself so hard to succeed within. For a year or two I struggled to understand why I just simply couldn't stand back up and fight as I had always done in the past. But that would turn out to be only one of the many challenges I was about to confront.

In 1996 I met a young lady that made me reevaluate my previous years of marriage which were coming to and end. She was fresh, bright, hard working and fun to be around. I did not intend at first to fall for her but as time in my new position at work moved forward we began to bond as a couple. In 1998 I made my decision to leave my first wife and join her family. We met each other at a new assembly plant Cessna Aircraft started in our little town building single engined airplanes. I was a team leader on the manufacturing floor and she was a bright and talented metal worker that worked hard, we just naturally felt comfortable and found our future to be an exciting one together.

Cessna instituted and spent a million dollars in training all personnel to work in a 'Team' environment without the fetters of traditional 'boss-employee'  structure and I was stoked at the chance of re-climbing the corporate ladder under this new innovative structure. I had made a success of my life in the Corporate world in Data Processing without the help or safety net of others and had seen the ugly side of Corporations so this held a new intrigue for me that I grabbed like a do with a new bone.

But like many things, old school die hards, eventually eroded, plundered and destroyed this concept thus putting me at odds with upper management. In 2001 I again felt lost, betrayed by business and individuals who felt greed and power being pulled from their hands, I quit and suffered a huge loss of confidence in society as a whole. I was now raising teenage children that were in no certain way trying their hardest to follow in my footsteps, rather they were running the other direction to 'reap the fun' and the future will be there when I get there mentality.

These kids had never had the benefit of a two parent family like I provided my first family and it was a fight for me. But not unlike all the other challenges I had faced, this challenge was not insurmountable. Over the next two years I would face the most excruciating experiences of my life. The three teenagers fought me passively by not competing in school, ditching classes and finding themselves in life situations that they got hurt within all the while defying good judgement that was being placed in front of them. Today, after growing a few years, they have found themselves poorly ready for the challenges in life ahead of them.

The results of this unpreparedness are showing now that they have families of their own and our struggles as a couple are about to take an unexpected turn. Those lessons unlearned result in 'imprisonment' and 'loss' of their two children to the State.

What's been happening to help me and mine get better?

 The last three years I have had the privilege, honor and joy to raise two grand children without having the fetters of a working life outside of the home.

My wife is her old self now that her medication has been corrected..... Love 'go figure'.

My two girls were taken from us by my wife's ex just after Christmas. A short visit has become our greatest battle together to recover those two girls from someone that beat, abandoned and endangered her 3rd child plus the years of alcohol addiction appears to be his last attempt to hurt her for all times.

Well the one thing that stands in his way is our love for those two little girls for the past three years.