A note to my grown children.

I hope that in this letter I can explain some difficult issues in life I have had since I was very young.

I have been in therapy and under a Psychiatrist's care now as you know. In the beginning, in 2001, I had to face many of my life's experiences and the affects they have had on my personal belief system. This intense therapy, sometimes hospitalized, has brought me to self examination towards some mental, emotional and physical balance in my life has been The Hardest thing I have done, ever.

My personal being, what was inside of me driving me to my goals in life collapsed. My entire belief system evaporated, leaving me shaken to my very core.

I want to start at the beginning and work forward in this letter to bear my soul, if you will, as I have had to do for the last for the last eight years in therapy. The first hurdle, which took seven and a half of those years. Trust in others with my mind I have always protected with tenacity. The things I never wanted anyone to know needed to be shared or I was simply going to remain the bitter person I was becoming. That, in itself, has led me through an entire lifetime of history, happiness, regret, achievement and failure.

I have never been one to allow people inside of the inner workings of my mind and how each system of beliefs affected me since childhood. In fact, I have never shared that life with anyone ever, until now. In order to find the truth inside, I had to find someone who I could trust to open up to and share all of those things that have molded me and destroyed me.

Mental illness does not mean "crazy", it only means the person has some disorder which impairs "normal" interaction with those around the. In 1997 I had a motorcycle accident, not the first time I had faced death and certainly not the last. There have been several times I my past and several since that accident. Each time at those moments I saw life more an more what it meant to me. I just do not see the world the same as those around me.

Core beliefs are those things which are the foundation of each of our lives. The things that lead us through life, our decision making processes, belief in a higher power, belief in self and the things that we are influenced by or influenced others with inside of us. This is where I had to be regressed in therapy and psychoanalysis.

My lirfe from early childhood through my high school years, were years of pain, disappointment and ultimately caused me to become mentally ill, In those moments of time I developed myself, with little help from others, into a driven person who believes in a higher calling than most people I knew. Before I begin I must make one statement to clear the air and re-focus on the real issues that have ultimately led us to this time and affected my true children and your mother. Teresa did not steal me away or un anyway influenced me in my own decision making.

The truth is, everything in my life has been my my choices and mine alone. In that, I accept each and every decision and the ultimate consequences.

You both are my greatest joys in life and have never been a disappointment to me, you never will be. My love and admiration of each of you will never end as it never has.

This statement may not ring true on the surface and may even give you cause for some consternation, but I feel it important for this subject. I have never been able to find what I wanted for my life, complete happiness. Inner turmoil has both sustained me and ultimately brought me to my knees, destroying everything I had become.You could call it a complete failure to distinguish reality from fantasy as most psychiatrists would diagnose.

The core of my actions has been, righting my past while creating a good future for you children. I wish everyday that 'righting the past' had not been part of that thinking process. But, in keeping that core thought, I used it as a sounding board for my future actions. What I mean is, I looked at "history" for personal and non-personal proactive approaches to my future. That historical review of my life led me to two conclusions in my personal life, one that influenced me the entire time I was with you and now the second which has brought me to look at my future.

Before I move on I want you both to know one thing. I am, in fact, mentally ill and most likely have suffered this illness my entire life. I am an intelligent person as I raised both of you to be to take on the challenges in life. You have both turned out tp be the same, intelligent and competent to make decisions based on the reality you face. I hope each of you can gie me the same credit, even if some of my decisions have negatively affected our relationship. I do not want to be my father, he simply was never there for me and that will never change. I want you to believe and know that my decisions were for each of you, discarding myself in the process. I sacrificed my life, as we all do, for those decisions.

All of that said, I will give you the definitions of mental illnesses I suffer from fromy diagnosis. Further treatment will be on-going. I will not be returning to society as a "productive member" of society's working class, instead I will be content communicating my beliefs through the internet.

They now believe my mental illness is the result of repeated trauma throughout my lifetime. I'm sure you are both familiar with the term Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. It was what I told them the first time jennifer took mre to Four County Mental Health. Now they finally came around and found what I already knew.

I currently have a book started which, I hope, will show people o9f all persuasions what individual reality means and the joining of our perspective realities to an end of broader cooperation. We each see ourselves within the boundaries of our life experiences.

I have been diagnosed using the definitions that follow.

Bipolar disorder
From Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia

Bipolar disorder or manic–depressive disorder (also referred to a bipolarism or manic depression) is a psychiatric diagnosis that describes a category of mood disorders defined by the presence of one or more episodes of abnormally elevated mood. These moods are clinically referred to as mania or, if milder, hypomania. Individuals who experience manic episodes also commonly experience depressive episodes or symptoms, or mixed episodes in which features of both mania and depression are present at the same time.[1] These episodes are usually separated by periods of "normal" mood, but in some individuals, depression and mania may rapidly alternate, known as rapid cycling. Extreme manic episodes can sometimes lead to psychotic symptoms such as delusions and hallucinations. The disorder has been subdivided into bipolar I, bipolar II, cyclothymia, and other types, based on the nature and severity of mood episodes experienced; the range is often described as the bipolar spectrum.
Data from the United States on lifetime prevalence varies, but indicates a rate of around 1% for Bipolar I, 0.5–1% for Bipolar II or cyclothymia, and 2–5% for subthreshold cases meeting some, but not all, criteria. The onset of full symptoms generally occurs in late adolescence or young adulthood. Diagnosis is based on the person's self-reported experiences, as well as observed behavior. Episodes of abnormality are associated with distress and disruption, and an elevated risk of suicide, especially during depressive episodes. In some cases it can be a devastating long-lasting disorder; in others it has also been associated with creativity, goal striving and positive achievements.[2]
Genetic factors contribute substantially to the likelihood of developing bipolar disorder, and environmental factors are also implicated. Bipolar disorder is often treated with mood stabilizer medications, and sometimes other psychiatric drugs. Psychotherapy also has a role, often when there has been some recovery of stability. In serious cases in which there is a risk of harm to oneself or others involuntary commitment may be used; these cases generally involve severe manic episodes with dangerous behavior or depressive episodes with suicidal ideation. There are widespread problems with social stigma, stereotypes and prejudice against individuals with a diagnosis of bipolar disorder.[3] People with bipolar disorder exhibiting psychotic symptoms can sometimes be misdiagnosed as having schizophrenia, another serious mental illness.[4]
The current term "bipolar disorder" is of fairly recent origin and refers to the cycling between high and low episodes (poles). A relationship between mania and melancholia had long been observed, although the basis of the current conceptualisation can be traced back to French psychiatrists in the 1850s. The term "manic-depressive illness" or psychosis was coined by German psychiatrist Emil Kraepelin in the late nineteenth century, originally referring to all kinds of mood disorder. German psychiatrist Karl Leonhard split the classification again in 1957, employing the terms unipolar disorder (major depressive disorder) and bipolar disorder.

Schizoaffective disorder
From Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia

Schizoaffective disorder is a psychiatric diagnosis that describes a mental disorder characterized by recurring episodes of elevated or depressed mood, or simultaneously elevated and depressed mood that alternate or occur together with distortions in perception.[1][2] The perceptual distortion component of the disorder, called psychosis, may affect all five senses, including sight, hearing, taste, smell and touch, but most commonly manifest as auditory hallucinations, paranoid or bizarre delusions, or disorganized speech and thinking with significant social and occupational dysfunction. The elevated, depressed or simultaneously elevated and depressed mood episode components of the disorder, called mood disorder, are broadly recognized as depressive and bipolar types of the illness; the division is based on whether the individual has ever had a manic, hypomanic or mixed episode. Onset of symptoms usually begins in early adulthood and is rarely diagnosed in childhood (prior to age 13). The lifetime prevalence of the disorder is uncertain (due to studies using varying diagnostic criteria), although it is generally agreed to be less than 1 percent, and possibly in the range of 0.5 to 0.8 percent.[3] Diagnosis is based on the patient's self-reported experiences and observed behavior. No laboratory test for schizoaffective disorder currently exists. As a group, people with schizoaffective disorder have a more favorable prognosis than people with schizophrenia, but a worse prognosis than those with mood disorders.[4]
Studies suggest that genetics, early environment, neurobiology, psychological and social processes are important contributory factors; some recreational and prescription drugs appear to cause or worsen symptoms. Current psychiatric research is focused on the role of neurobiology, but no single organic cause has been found.
The mainstay of treatment is antipsychotic medication combined with mood stabilizer medication or antidepressant medication, or both. Antipsychotic drugs primarily work by suppressing dopamine activity; while antidepressant drugs primarily work by increasing the active levels of at least one monoamine neurotransmitter. The exact mechanism of how mood stabilizers work is uncertain. Psychotherapy, and vocational and social rehabilitation (see psychiatric rehabilitation) are also important for recovery. In more serious cases—where there is risk to self and others—involuntary hospitalization may be necessary, although hospital stays are less frequent and for shorter periods than they were in previous times.[5]
The disorder is thought to mainly affect cognition and emotion, but it also usually contributes to ongoing problems with behavior and motivation. People with schizoaffective disorder are likely to have additional (comorbid) conditions, including anxiety disorders and substance abuse. Social problems, such as long-term unemployment, poverty and homelessness, are common. Furthermore, the average life expectancy of people with the disorder is shorter than those without the disorder, due to increased physical health problems and a higher suicide rate.
The diagnosis was introduced in 1933[6] and will be removed from or amended in the next iteration of the American Psychiatric Association's Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM-V), to be published in 2012.[7][8]


Gender identity disorder
From Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia

Gender identity disorder (GID) is the formal diagnosis used by psychologists and physicians to describe persons who experience significant gender dysphoria (discontent with the biological sex they were born with). It is a psychiatric classification and describes the attributes related to transsexuality, transgender identity, and transvestism.
Gender identity disorder in children is usually reported as "having always been there" since childhood, and is considered clinically distinct from GID which appears in adolescence or adulthood, which has been reported by some as intensifying over time.[1] Since many cultures strongly disapprove of cross-gender behavior, it often results in significant problems for affected persons and those in close relationships with them. In many cases, discomfort is also reported as stemming from the feeling that one's body is "wrong" or meant to be different.
Some transgender people and researchers have criticized the classification of GID as a mental disorder for several reasons, including evidence from recent studies about the brains of transsexual people.[2] The treatment for this disorder consists primarily of physical modifications to bring the body into harmony with one's perception of mental (psychological, emotional) gender identity, rather than vice versa.[3]


Transgender vs. transsexual

The word transsexual, unlike the word transgender, has a precise medical definition.[17] It was defined by Harry Benjamin in his seminal book "The Transsexual Phenomenon".[17] In particular he defined transsexuals on a scale called the "Benjamin Scale", which defines a few different levels of intensity of transsexualism; these are listed as "Transsexual (nonsurgical)", "True Transsexual (moderate intensity)", and "True Transsexual (high intensity)".[17] Many transsexuals believe that to be a true transsexual one needs to have a desire for surgery. [18] However, it is notable that Benjamin's moderate intensity "true transsexual" needs estrogen, or testostorone medication as a "substitute for or preliminary to operation."[17] There also exist people who have had sexual reassignment surgery (SRS) but do not meet the definition of a transsexual, such as Gregory Hemingway.[19][20], while other people do not desire SRS yet clearly meet Dr. Benjamin's definition of a "true transsexual".[21] Beyond Dr. Benjamin's work, which focused on Male to Female transsexuals, there are cases of Female to Male transsexuals for whom surgery is often considered to be not practical.
Outside of the above medical definition there is a wide range of gender expressions which are contrary to the norm. Cross dressers, drag queens, transvestites, transvestic fetishist etc. It is notable that many transsexuals go through one of those self identifications before realizing that they are in fact transsexual.
Some transsexuals also take issue with the term because Charles "Virginia" Prince, the founder of the cross dressing organization Tri-Ess and coiner of the term "transgender",[22] did so because she wished to distinguish herself from transsexual people. In "Men Who Choose to Be Women," Prince wrote "I, at least, know the difference between sex and gender and have simply elected to change the latter and not the former".[23] There is a substantial academic literature on the difference between sex and gender, but in pragmatic English, this academic distinction is ignored and "gender" is used mostly to describe the categorical male/female difference while "sex" is used mostly to describe the physical act.[24]
There is political tension between the identities that fall under the "transgender umbrella." For example, transsexual men and women who can pay for medical treatments (or who have institutional coverage for their treatment) are likely to be concerned with medical privacy and establishing a durable legal status as men and women later in life. Extending insurance coverage for medical care is a coherent issue in the intersection of transsexuality and economic class. Most of these issues can appeal even to conservatives, if framed in terms of an unusual sort of "maintenance" of traditional notions of gender for rare people who feel the need for medical treatments. Some trans people might express this by saying "I don't challenge the gender binary, I just started out on the wrong side of it."[25]

Transgender identities

While people self-identify as transgender, transgender identity includes many overlapping categories. These include cross-dresser (CD); transvestite (TV); androgynes; genderqueer; people who live cross-gender; drag kings; and drag queens; and, frequently, transsexual (TS).[26] Usually not included are transvestic fetishists (because it is considered to be a paraphilia rather than gender identification). In an interview, artist RuPaul talked about society's ambivalence to the differences in the people who embody these terms. "A friend of mine recently did the Oprah show about transgender youth," said RuPaul. "It was obvious that we, as a culture, have a hard time trying to understand the difference between a drag queen, transsexual, and a transgender, yet we find it very easy to know the difference between the American baseball league and the National baseball league, when they are both so similar."[27] These terms are explained below.
The extent to which intersex people (those with ambiguous genitalia or other physical sexual characteristics) are transgender is debated, since not all intersex people disagree with their gender assigned at birth. The current definitions of transgender include all transsexual people, although this has been criticized. (See below.)
The term trans man refers to female-to-male (FtM or F2M) transgender people, and trans woman refers to male-to-female (MtF or M2F) transgender people, although some transgender people identify only slightly with the gender not assigned at birth. In the past, it was assumed that there were far more trans women than trans men, but a Swedish study estimated a ratio of 1.4:1 in favour of trans women for those requesting sex reassignment surgery and a ratio of 1:1 for those who proceeded.[28] There is a school of thought that says terms such as "FtM" and "MtF" are subjugating language that reinforces the binary gender stereotype.[29]
The term cisgender has been coined as an antonym referring to non-transgender people; i.e. those who identify with their gender assigned at birth.[30]

Transsexual

Transsexual people identify as, or desire to live and be accepted as, a member of the sex opposite to that assigned at birth.[31][32]
Many trans people desire to undergo gender transition. People who have transitioned, who do not necessarily identify as transgender or transsexual any longer, may identify as simply a man or a woman. Those that continue identifying as transsexual men or women may not want to ignore their pre-transition life, and may continue strong ties with other trans people and raising social consciousness.[33]
Many transsexual people have a wish to alter their bodies. These physical changes are collectively known as gender reassignment therapy and often (but not always) include hormone replacement therapy and sex reassignment surgery. References to "pre-operative", "post-operative" and "non-operative" transsexual people indicate whether they have had, or are planning to have sex reassignment surgery, although some trans people reject these terms as objectifying trans people based on their surgical status and not their mental gender identity.

I want you to know what you are about to read is, for me, the final piece of a 50 y/o puzzle. Once I found the right persons that I could trust to open up to, everything just flooded out. When you are fighting for literally a point of reference to normalcy and you do a deep search inside to find the answers, the right therapist and psychologist hold the key. By chance this little corner of SE Kansas had a transgender trained therapist and psychologist to open the door wider so they could help me.

I still have issue to reveal to them both and put the demons, as they say, to rest. This is my last hope for true happiness. You both have been my greatest joy and being transgender has been mine to bear all these years. I simply cannot move forward in my life without living it's remainder as who I truly was meant to be. I hope you understand. There will be many questions I know, I hope I have answered some of them.

Being transgender since I was very young has made life difficult, at the very least.

My past has been spent hiding my "inner girl" from the 'The World'. Your mother and I had you two and we raised you as best we could while trying to balnce career with personal belief. I made you mother happy sexually even while wanting to be in her place at those moments. I made her feel every bit as sexy, feminine and loved as I saw my "inner girl" receiving.

I may have lost track of a few things, but my intellect remains. I always said my intellect was both my greatest asset in life while being my ultimate downfall. You both are very intelligent individuals and I know I have put a huge stone in the path of our relationships. I still hope and believe after reading this that you will understand why I never wanted anyone to take a walk through my mind. I loove you both and hope that this will not be too much to bear.

The future is the real issue of life that remains. I decided I can no longer live two lives and the opposite sex. The footprints I left in my past will always remain. My concern for the future is for those I have touched and the relationships we continue, nothing else matters.

I have seen the two of you succeed in your chosen pursuits, Christopher for your career in Military Intelligence and Jennifer for your PHD in Sociology. And yes, I claim responsibility for your fierce attitudes and work ethics. I was like that, it's a rule for a successful and happy life for each of you. It was always my "inner girl" who was running the show, right down to selecting what your mother wore. The fashion taste of her clothing was what and how myself, if only I could have been ME.

In pursuit of "my true self" has not made me less aware that I still have two distinct lives with my children and your children.

The question I can hear now; Am I without a "Dad, Grandfather"?
How do you answer that question?

Of course I am still here, my mind has not changed, only how I outwardly appear.

Is that the right answer?
I hope so.