Friday, October 14, 2011
Wednesday, August 3, 2011
I doth protest!
I protest very little in my relationships, but tonight 'I doth protest'. You see I have been placed in an impossible situation here at home. Let me explain.
My wife has been through hell since she was twelve years old. Now at age fifty she had expected a completely different outcome. A life with a man who provided 'everything' for her, free of children, just her and that man traveling the country.
What does she have?
A fifty eight year old Transsexual Female and two of her grand children, ages six and 3 years old, in our permanent custody.
Tomorrow I begin the process of having her committed to a mental hospital leaving me as only permanent custody of these two girls I have grown to love over the last three years living as a full time woman. A proxy mom, papa, both accepted openly. Now I have a huge decision to make.
A fifty eight year old Transsexual Female and two step grand children, ages six and 3 years old, become a permanent family?
or
Where will I find someone I know that will provide their needs until they can 'fly by themselves'?
and
If I can't find someone?
My wife has been through hell since she was twelve years old. Now at age fifty she had expected a completely different outcome. A life with a man who provided 'everything' for her, free of children, just her and that man traveling the country.
What does she have?
A fifty eight year old Transsexual Female and two of her grand children, ages six and 3 years old, in our permanent custody.
Tomorrow I begin the process of having her committed to a mental hospital leaving me as only permanent custody of these two girls I have grown to love over the last three years living as a full time woman. A proxy mom, papa, both accepted openly. Now I have a huge decision to make.
A fifty eight year old Transsexual Female and two step grand children, ages six and 3 years old, become a permanent family?
or
Where will I find someone I know that will provide their needs until they can 'fly by themselves'?
and
If I can't find someone?
Thursday, July 28, 2011
A letter to my wife.
This is a letter to my wife, friend, lover and now as her Female partner.
We have been together since 1998 and have just enjoyed our 1st thirteen years together. Our pasts have been filled with nightmares and running from ourselves for so many years now.
Yes it's true, we are both Bi-Polar and Schizophrenic. For the last three years, no make that eight years, you have had to deal with my illness and continued therapy and medication. We've learned there is no miracle cure for Schizophrenia, we can only learn to find the control within us.
I have been at this recovery and discovery and truly found who I was and am now for eight or more years. At the very beginning of that journey we had to make a choice about two of our grand children's well being. We had to consider a lot in a very short time and spent thousands of dollars and inspections before, nine months later, we were given 'Court Ordered Permanent Custody'. This was a fresh start for me, one that I was willing to take on despite my age. Now after three years I feel in an impossible situation concerning our discussion today.
My whole life has been one domino after another, my walls kept getting weaker and I found you.I love you.
Give me some time I beg you.
Mish
We have been together since 1998 and have just enjoyed our 1st thirteen years together. Our pasts have been filled with nightmares and running from ourselves for so many years now.
Yes it's true, we are both Bi-Polar and Schizophrenic. For the last three years, no make that eight years, you have had to deal with my illness and continued therapy and medication. We've learned there is no miracle cure for Schizophrenia, we can only learn to find the control within us.
I have been at this recovery and discovery and truly found who I was and am now for eight or more years. At the very beginning of that journey we had to make a choice about two of our grand children's well being. We had to consider a lot in a very short time and spent thousands of dollars and inspections before, nine months later, we were given 'Court Ordered Permanent Custody'. This was a fresh start for me, one that I was willing to take on despite my age. Now after three years I feel in an impossible situation concerning our discussion today.
My whole life has been one domino after another, my walls kept getting weaker and I found you.I love you.
Give me some time I beg you.
Mish
Sunday, May 15, 2011
Unconditional Love
Has this been a problem for anyone else other than me as it relates to 'all'?
Unconditional–adjective
Without conditions or limitations; absolute: demanded unconditional surrender.
Love–noun
A deep, tender, ineffable feeling of affection and solicitude toward a person
such as that arising from kinship, recognition of attractive qualities, or a
sense of underlying oneness.
THE LAW OF LOVE
_____________________________________________________________
For the whole law is fulfilled in one word, "You shall love your
neighbor as yourself." (Galatians 5:14 RSV)
_____________________________________________________________
And who is your neighbor? Everyone is your neighbor. This is shown in the Parable Of The Good Samaritan (Luke 10:25-37, shown below). Therefore, "Love your neighbor as yourself" really means "Love all people as yourself," because everyone is our neighbor.
And given this is 'The golden rule' a standard I held my self high upon. I denied my true self from finding happiness. Let me explain.
I first discovered I was transsexual when I was 10 years old when I had a one time sexual experience with a dominate twelve year old friend.
The year was 1960, historically that knowledge had to be stored and denied, period.
I explained it in that tone to again tell you I held myself to that higher standard of 'The golden rule' to the extreme all the time wanting the return of that same standard from others.
The year is 2011, even today the fear to live as the person you truly are is stored and denied by many.
I have seen many great programs that have helped my confidence that the day is coming when gender-dysphoria is accepted fully and we can all live a happy and productive life.
As for the statement 'as it relates to 'all'.', we still have so far to go. But I for one will stand before you and say 'I will live my life by a higher standard, as I always have tried, but now I will live that life as the female I was meant to be back in 1953.
For three years now I have lived openly as a female, am currently taking my hormones daily as prescribed. And raising two girl grand children as a 'poppy' and am enjoying every minute of life.
But when will the rest of the world understand that the only path to true happiness and peace for this world IS 'Unconditional Love'.
Unconditional–adjective
Without conditions or limitations; absolute: demanded unconditional surrender.
Love–noun
A deep, tender, ineffable feeling of affection and solicitude toward a person
such as that arising from kinship, recognition of attractive qualities, or a
sense of underlying oneness.
THE LAW OF LOVE
_____________________________________________________________
For the whole law is fulfilled in one word, "You shall love your
neighbor as yourself." (Galatians 5:14 RSV)
_____________________________________________________________
And who is your neighbor? Everyone is your neighbor. This is shown in the Parable Of The Good Samaritan (Luke 10:25-37, shown below). Therefore, "Love your neighbor as yourself" really means "Love all people as yourself," because everyone is our neighbor.
And given this is 'The golden rule' a standard I held my self high upon. I denied my true self from finding happiness. Let me explain.
I first discovered I was transsexual when I was 10 years old when I had a one time sexual experience with a dominate twelve year old friend.
The year was 1960, historically that knowledge had to be stored and denied, period.
I explained it in that tone to again tell you I held myself to that higher standard of 'The golden rule' to the extreme all the time wanting the return of that same standard from others.
The year is 2011, even today the fear to live as the person you truly are is stored and denied by many.
I have seen many great programs that have helped my confidence that the day is coming when gender-dysphoria is accepted fully and we can all live a happy and productive life.
As for the statement 'as it relates to 'all'.', we still have so far to go. But I for one will stand before you and say 'I will live my life by a higher standard, as I always have tried, but now I will live that life as the female I was meant to be back in 1953.
For three years now I have lived openly as a female, am currently taking my hormones daily as prescribed. And raising two girl grand children as a 'poppy' and am enjoying every minute of life.
But when will the rest of the world understand that the only path to true happiness and peace for this world IS 'Unconditional Love'.
Sunday, May 8, 2011
8 weeks of Hell
The last 8 weeks have been a complete hell for me, a Transsexual Female for 3 years, as a mommy (grandpa) to two girls and being the husband to a loving wife who had a severe mental collapse. Ambulance had to take her to the emergency room at the local hospital with my 2 girls we have custody when she raised a huge ruckus in church 8 weeks ago now.
So many delusional thoughts and allegations flew from her mouth I had to have the house inspected by the Police and the State Child Placement lady. Thank goodness not one of them had any issues with my Transgender appearance, so they said I should take the girls home while they got my wife some help. The girls clung to me the entire time scared that they would be placed in foster care 'again' in their short years here on earth.
For the last 3 years I have had them in my life I have been open to the entire community. I have cared for the youngest, 3 years old, since she was just a baby. I am who she trusts for everything.
What happens when after 30 days in a State Mental Hospital and when she returns, she remains delusional for the next 4 weeks off and on? Moment by moment you walk along watching, listening for signs what is happening in her mind while I care for 2 girls, 3 and 5 years old.
This was moment for me to be 'a strong woman' who protected her innocents from all harm. During her stay I was threatened twice by her ex-husband that my Transgender status was inappropriate raising his grand children. This man found out how mean a mom can get when her cubs safety are threatened. Short version; he isn't going to do it again.
To date since she has returned; she has asked me to leave 3 times, one 'I don't love you anymore now that you have chosen to become female' each time I refused, plus disappeared with the girls sparking me to alert the local police who set in motion a Statewide search. All ended well when her daughter brought her and the girls home 12 hours later.
Why do I stay? Because I started out loving this woman in 1996, moved in with her in 1998 and now have 2 girls I love more than my life literally. My heart would have been broken. That was in the last 3 weeks. Yesterday she announced I could stay, she loved me and we would talk about the future later.
Here is how I feel right now. Numb.
So many delusional thoughts and allegations flew from her mouth I had to have the house inspected by the Police and the State Child Placement lady. Thank goodness not one of them had any issues with my Transgender appearance, so they said I should take the girls home while they got my wife some help. The girls clung to me the entire time scared that they would be placed in foster care 'again' in their short years here on earth.
For the last 3 years I have had them in my life I have been open to the entire community. I have cared for the youngest, 3 years old, since she was just a baby. I am who she trusts for everything.
What happens when after 30 days in a State Mental Hospital and when she returns, she remains delusional for the next 4 weeks off and on? Moment by moment you walk along watching, listening for signs what is happening in her mind while I care for 2 girls, 3 and 5 years old.
This was moment for me to be 'a strong woman' who protected her innocents from all harm. During her stay I was threatened twice by her ex-husband that my Transgender status was inappropriate raising his grand children. This man found out how mean a mom can get when her cubs safety are threatened. Short version; he isn't going to do it again.
To date since she has returned; she has asked me to leave 3 times, one 'I don't love you anymore now that you have chosen to become female' each time I refused, plus disappeared with the girls sparking me to alert the local police who set in motion a Statewide search. All ended well when her daughter brought her and the girls home 12 hours later.
Why do I stay? Because I started out loving this woman in 1996, moved in with her in 1998 and now have 2 girls I love more than my life literally. My heart would have been broken. That was in the last 3 weeks. Yesterday she announced I could stay, she loved me and we would talk about the future later.
Here is how I feel right now. Numb.
Wednesday, April 27, 2011
Saturday, December 18, 2010
I am usually a very positive, purposed and aggressive person, in my both my past life as my born gender and now in my chosen gender. These things will always be me.
It is now December 18, 2010, one week before a joyous and happy holidays season. This is my 2nd year into my transition journey of many years to come. I am a 57 y/o transsexual female and proud of it and my strong beliefs have come over years of life's experiences. So I can be diplomatic as well as plain out blunt.
The reason I write my thoughts are so that all of you can understand the years of turmoil and stress my life has been. The struggles, successes and failures that come with life as a transsexual, always remaining strong in the hope and determination that we all must possess to find ourselves.
But today my life has brought me to a low point emotionally.
Making a decision that effects those around us is hard enough, but when you have to stand and watch your biological family reject you. The memories of seeing, holding or talking to my grand children is gone.
My thoughts tonight are saddened by that reality.
Love you all.
Renae
It is now December 18, 2010, one week before a joyous and happy holidays season. This is my 2nd year into my transition journey of many years to come. I am a 57 y/o transsexual female and proud of it and my strong beliefs have come over years of life's experiences. So I can be diplomatic as well as plain out blunt.
The reason I write my thoughts are so that all of you can understand the years of turmoil and stress my life has been. The struggles, successes and failures that come with life as a transsexual, always remaining strong in the hope and determination that we all must possess to find ourselves.
But today my life has brought me to a low point emotionally.
Making a decision that effects those around us is hard enough, but when you have to stand and watch your biological family reject you. The memories of seeing, holding or talking to my grand children is gone.
My thoughts tonight are saddened by that reality.
Love you all.
Renae
Wednesday, November 17, 2010
The greatest 2 days and on; this journey will become my future.
On November 8, 2008 I made a most important decision for my personal happiness. This decision was the hardest thing I had done in the previous 50 years. Since that time I always suspected I was different from the other boys. I was fascinated by my sisters clothes, I wanted to be able to wear those pretty things. Over the following years, with the exception of those days dominated by religion, I had something feminine to wear when I could.
Now I have spent the last 2 days in total unbelief , excitement, fright and elation in 48 hrs. On Tuesday, November 16, 2010, I went to KU Medical University and did the obligatory family medical history, personal history and blood work followed by a talk with the doctor. Two hours after arriving I walked out with my HRT prescriptions.
The emotions ran from, fright that I might not be approved, unbelief it was about to be one of the last steps in my journey to womanhood, excitement when the Doctor and personnel were so careful to document what I preferred being called to genuine admiration from them that I was taking this important step in my life and finally elation when I was handed the prescriptions themselves in my hands.
Two years and one week and I now start the physical transformation to womanhood!
This has been the happiest two days and my Hormones will be available to me tomorrow, November 18, 2010 after 1pm.
Thank You Thank You Thank You
Now I have spent the last 2 days in total unbelief , excitement, fright and elation in 48 hrs. On Tuesday, November 16, 2010, I went to KU Medical University and did the obligatory family medical history, personal history and blood work followed by a talk with the doctor. Two hours after arriving I walked out with my HRT prescriptions.
The emotions ran from, fright that I might not be approved, unbelief it was about to be one of the last steps in my journey to womanhood, excitement when the Doctor and personnel were so careful to document what I preferred being called to genuine admiration from them that I was taking this important step in my life and finally elation when I was handed the prescriptions themselves in my hands.
Two years and one week and I now start the physical transformation to womanhood!
This has been the happiest two days and my Hormones will be available to me tomorrow, November 18, 2010 after 1pm.
Thank You Thank You Thank You
Saturday, September 25, 2010
Personal plea to America
I love my Country first, my Transgender status second, why?
This is the greatest Country on Earth bar none and I will not standby and watch it ruined by any politician, political party or the MYTH of Social Justice.
I have lived for 55 yrs as a male, troubled by the knowledge that something was wrong with me. When I made my decision to become the woman I always I knew I should have been, I didn't abandon my love for Freedom and Justice that our forefathers gave us. I didn't expect someone to hand my new me on a silver platter, rather I knew it would be an upward battle as my whole career and personal life had been.
Please read my next blog and understand what I stand for: Freedom to choose who I want to be without fear of repercussion from those that see me as immoral or a freak. I have grown past those individuals, I do not condemn them for their beliefs and I expect the same respect in kind.
This is and I hope will always be a Free Nation where we can live together in Harmony and Peace. We have made huge strides to that end, but now is not the time to 'Fundamentally Change America', rather it is a time for us to unite and take back a Government gone crazy with corruption and influenced by special interest groups.
Peace, Love and Respect to each of you!
This is the greatest Country on Earth bar none and I will not standby and watch it ruined by any politician, political party or the MYTH of Social Justice.
I have lived for 55 yrs as a male, troubled by the knowledge that something was wrong with me. When I made my decision to become the woman I always I knew I should have been, I didn't abandon my love for Freedom and Justice that our forefathers gave us. I didn't expect someone to hand my new me on a silver platter, rather I knew it would be an upward battle as my whole career and personal life had been.
Please read my next blog and understand what I stand for: Freedom to choose who I want to be without fear of repercussion from those that see me as immoral or a freak. I have grown past those individuals, I do not condemn them for their beliefs and I expect the same respect in kind.
This is and I hope will always be a Free Nation where we can live together in Harmony and Peace. We have made huge strides to that end, but now is not the time to 'Fundamentally Change America', rather it is a time for us to unite and take back a Government gone crazy with corruption and influenced by special interest groups.
Peace, Love and Respect to each of you!
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